gazza- when he's not defending raoul moat he can't half rap
Footballers and rap songs are a true match made in hell, going together like Sepp Blatter and the English press. If you’re ever feeling down then putting on Fog on the Tyne by Gazza is sure to have you reaching for the revolver. There’s nothing more cringe worthy than your favourite winger suddenly appearing on MTV “spitting bars” and making songs so bad with rhymes so poor they make N-Dubz look Shakespearean.
It hasn’t just been the ‘rapping’ generation that’s had to endure footballers pretending to be ‘music artists’, any one old enough to remember Manchester City’s last trophy win will tell you that there were some really p*ss poor efforts that the Top of the Pops generation to endure. However as hip hop, r nb and good old fashioned rap have become the musical zeitgeist, footballers have been quick to jump on the bandwagon. There’s also the advantage that you don’t have to be a good singer or be able to hold a tune to record a ‘rap’ song.
So which footballer rap songs have been the worst? Well there’s certainly enough to choose from and thanks to the joys of youtube all of them are easily accessible just in case you feel like torturing the bloke you’ve got tied up in your garage a little bit more.
Here’s my choice for the worst five footballer rap performances in the history of the universe.
5. Asomoah Gyan- African Girls. Before he was scoring and missing penalties for Ghana and becoming part of the Premier League’s most feared strike trio, Gyan inflicted this pile of festering waste on the music world. Its a display of rapping so bad it probably tempted Vanilla Ice to come out of retirement.
4. Paul “Gazza” Gascoigne – Fog on the Tyne. There’s not many men that could rap about sausage rolls- in between munching them no doubt- whilst wearing a multitude of shell suits and performing a dance routine so complex it borders on gymnastics. Gazza delivers his lines like a man in the job center who’s been forced to sing for his giro- which is ironically enough to cover the cost of this video.
3. Liverpool FC – The Anfield Rap. “We’ve got more stars than the cast of Dallas, got more trophies than Buckingham Palace..” Unfortunately the Liverpool players also had less singing talent than Milli Vanilli. Many teams produce rubbish cup final songs but few are as bad this. Only John Barnes would redeem himself musically by rapping on New Order’s World in Motion two years later, thankfully the rest of the squad didn’t bother trying to.
2. Andy Cole – Outstanding. Maybe by putting the word ‘Outstanding’ on the CD cover the music men thought people may think it was a review and buy this. Not only does Cole display the rapping ability of a middle aged pensioner from the cotswolds- recovering from a stroke- his lyrics plumb the sort of depths you’d associate with a drunken nursery rhyme. “United forever whatever the weather”- is a personal favourite. Cole may have been a great goalscorer but this song is the nadir of his professional career- even more than the stint at Wastelands.
1. Ian Wright – Do the Right Thing. This wouldn’t have topped the list if it wasn’t for one reason, while all the footballers on here are either having a laugh or showing a startling indifference to it all, Wright genuinely believes he’s the b*llocks. Technically he sings more than raps- in fact his rapping is merely speaking a few sentences- but technically this should have been banned for offensiveness anyway due to how bad it is. Wright was probably a little bit miffed this failed to reach the top ten, or twenty, or thirty, or forty, while the rest of us were shocked it actually reached 43- if you bought this-shame on you.
"Name On The Trophy" 